“High Guy”

On my dating profile I have a little list of things about me, which I often doubt that many lads read.

High Guy did, his opening gambit on Tinder was a ramble of a reply to each point on the list. It was better than ‘hey’, ‘hello’ or ‘hi’ so I replied and consequently there was a bit of back and forth in messaging. 

It turned out that High Guy had had a big night the night before, his name now might make sense. He was taking his mum and her friend to lunch and would I like to go for drinks later: I was non committal. I already had some plans; I was going to Wembley to watch football and didn’t really fancy a big night of drinks after this which is what he was alluding to. 

As the afternoon went on High Guy bailed on the drinks anyway, said he was totally hanging and in bed drinking whisky. I ventured back from my already made plans, told him not to worry, what will be, will be. I should point out we both live in the same part of London, such are Tinder’s super capabilities, and I had also mentioned I was getting a McDonald’s and heading home. 

High Guy said to wait 5 minutes, he’d man up and head out to meet me. Mainly because he was flying off somewhere the next day and this was his chance, and that I wasn’t allowed to go to McDonald’s.

High Guy arrived, still totally out of it and off his face. Clearly. Whilst this was amusing, it was obviously a struggle. He asked me the same question three times. We had a drink and I said I would be heading to McDonald’s – he knew his time was up and agreed he should not have ventured out. He wanted to take me to a Turkish place, so he twisted my arm and off we went and High Guy tells me he is a vegetarian. Actually a pescatarian as I asked him if he eats fish. This makes it tricky when you’ve got a cheeseburger on the brain.

He inhaled the mezze, wanted lots of chilli sauce, and that was that. We said our goodbyes, and I went to McDonald’s anyway.

“The Big Man”

I have been told a few times that height does not matter, apparently “it does not matter when you are lying down”. Sorry if you thought The Big Man got his name for other reasons…

Height however is often the first thing you might notice about a person. Heterosexual females tend to fancy the idea of a taller man – “tall, dark and handsome” – who says “handsome, dark and tall”? It’s a tricky one to address in conversation if you’re online dating or using apps, I have ditched guys on finding out they are short, I’m sure most wouldn’t date me if I was a giant. Now you see many profiles stipulating heights. Mine included. I am wary of those who don’t mention it to be honest… I try to suss it from the photos having met a number of shorter men on dates. The Big Man being one of them.

I met The Big Man in a pub, after some messaging and to be honest, I thought he was a bit boring… I think I bailed a couple of times and then eventually met him, and again I was there first (I’m not always there first but see this is a bit of a pattern in my tales so far). I knew as soon as he walked in he was shorter than me. I’m pushing 5ft 9 I would say, most of the time I say I am 5ft 8ish because the bit of Blu-Tack on my wall is an accurate enough measurement for me. The Big Man told me I’m 5ft 8 because he’s 5ft 7 so the Blu-Tack is proven. Good job I was in flat shoes.

The average height of a male in the UK is 5ft 10 and the average height of a female in the UK is 5ft 5.  This doesn’t put me in that good stead for a tall man, but really I need a man that makes me feel comfortable and one I feel comfortable with. Like “Mr Voicemail” perhaps (one day I will blog about him, I just don’t know where to start).

If you really like someone you aren’t going to be bothered about what other people think, or feel daft walking along the street with them. I felt daft with The Big Man. On one date I turned around and couldn’t see him behind another person. I thought he was lost. Interestingly, The Big Man lasted a number of dates, maybe it’s because we were sat down a lot on them. Maybe it’s because we ate a lot of food on dates and I like food. I don’t think it’s because he was confident, like Rachel on Buzzfeed says about when shorter guys fancy her. He wasn’t all that confident.

I tried.

He also was a bit odd (he lived with his parents and had no ambition). Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had a stint of living at home with my parents and have respect for those who do to perhaps save for a house, or because of something that’s happened – he just lived there because he could. We also had a few weeks where we didn’t see each other and I think if it’s right with someone it’s easy, because people make time for one another. It shouldn’t be that hard, and he was too short.

Anyway, long story short (sorry, not sorry), it didn’t work. Height matters and that is that. The average Dutchman is 6ft, perhaps I should live in Holland.